


And at Once I Knew (I Was Not Magnificent)

by QuackTracks



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Banks the dog, F/F, Fluff, Green Beret Lexa, PTSD episodes, Smut, Veterinarian Clarke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-06-10 02:26:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15281544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuackTracks/pseuds/QuackTracks
Summary: “Gustus’ stern look faltered a bit as he dug his hand into his pocket and pulled out a small, forest green, leather collar with silver lettering. De Oppresso Liber.To Liberate the Oppressed.Lexa swallowed thickly as she shifted the puppy in her hands and took the outstretched collar.”Or, Lexa goes MIA and her dog ends up in the hands of Clarke Griffin and her daughter Madi.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is honestly just a crazy idea I had a long time ago. There are a few chapters written, so I figured I’d see what people thought. 
> 
> I’m not sure whether to continue with this idea haha.
> 
> This is unedited.

_A Year and Three Months Ago._

The clouds had broken open just after Lexa left her house, imparting on her the options to swing around and pick up an umbrella, or to continue on. The tight schedule she’d been forced into left little choice but for her forge ahead, knowing she’d be drenched by the time she arrived on base. 

Banks sat beside her, a present from her old commanding officer, Gustus. He was a cheeky fuck, despite the fact that she and many others had believed his name to be synonymous with ‘robot’ in the early years. He’d retired from active duty just six months before. At his own farewell party, he’d pulled Lexa aside and gently pressed a box in her hands; a box with breathing holes and a weight to it that moved within. 

_“You surpassed me long ago, Alexandria, but I was still able to see you often. Now… you will have something to remember me by. Something to remind you to make smart decisions._

_There was always a discourse in her head on whether she should get a dog, whether she would be home enough for a dog, whether she really wanted a companion that required daily maintenance._

She still remembered the moment she opened the box, the fuzzy face of a black and brown puppy staring at her with all the innocence in the world. 

_Innocent eyes were a rarity in her life. The people that surrounded her were burdened with knowing tragedy and pain and death. Lexa chose to have such people as her family, knowing that nobody would ever understand her better._

_But looking at the furry puppy sitting in a cardboard box, it’s eyes alight with excitement and, admittedly, a lack of intelligence all puppies’ exude, she’d fallen in love. Any doubts she’d had about having the energy or time to care for an animal had crumbled to dust._

_Her hands curled around the puppy’s soft torso and she lifted him into her arms as carefully as she could. She was not used to being gentle. It wasn’t often a part of her life. But she was soft with him as she scratched behind his ears and under his chin, her heart melting._

_“Looks like you’ve found the big, bad commander’s soft spot, Gus.”_

_Lexa didn’t have it in her to look away from the puppy curling into her chest to give her sister a much-deserved glare. A second person had followed Anya and did it for her._

_“Much like you with Raven?”_

_Lexa looked up at that, catching the blush on her sister’s face, and the smug one on Indra’s. Anya quickly changed the subject._

_“I can’t quite believe you’re trusting her with such a responsibility, Gustus.”_

_It was meant as a jest, and Gustus chuckled deeply, but his eyes shifted to more serious a moment later._

_“Lexa has taken care of her soldiers for quite some time. I do believe it’s time that she had a companion that will take care of her as well.”_

_Lexa felt the tightening of her throat, and she focused harder on the puppy in her arms. Gustus never held back. He spoke truth as he saw it, and he never cared what the outcome was because of it._

_Indra murmured her agreement, and Anya smiled at Lexa so proudly that it hurt._

_“What do you think you’ll name him?”_

_The heartfelt mood dissipated as Indra scoffed._

_“Oh, just wait until you hear what my husband has to say.”_

_Gustus straightened his shoulders and crossed his arms over his chest like he meant to be intimidating._

_“He already has a name.”_

_Lexa frowned. There was something about naming things that meant a lot, and she wasn’t sure she like the idea of that being taken from her._

_“What might that be?”_

_Gustus’ stern look faltered a bit as he dug his hand into his pocket and pulled out a small, forest green, leather collar with silver lettering. De Oppresso Liber._ To Liberate the Opressed.

_Lexa swallowed thickly as she shifted the puppy in her hands and took the outstretched collar. She looked at the medal shaped liked the green beret insignia, an amused frown marring her face as she took in the name engraved on it._

_“Banks? You want me to name him after your gun?”_

_Anya began laughing and Indra rolled her eyes._

_“He is set on it, Alexandria.”_

_Lexa smirked and shook her head, giving Gustus a look._

_“And what if I don’t?”_

_Gustus huffed and held out his hands toward the puppy._

_“Then I’ll keep him.”_

_Indra pointed a finger at her husband._

_“No you will not, Gustus. We are not taking a dog with us to St. Lucia.”_

_Lexa subtly stepped back, away from the hands trying to snatch away her dog._

_“Hey, alright. His name is Banks.”_

_Anya coughed an easily discernible “pushover” as Gustus smiled and dropped his hands._

_“Wonderful. We’re leaving now. See you whenever we decide to return from paradise.”_

And that had been that. Gustus had said his farewells to the gathered with a broad wave and a delighted grin, Indra striding purposefully in front of him to the exit of the rented gymnasium. 

Lexa had quickly and completely fallen in love with Banks, probably spoiling him more than necessary. She’d learned from a DNA test that he was a Rottweiler/German Shepherd mix, and that had only become more obvious as he’d grown. 

She’d been on leave, scheduled for deployment on the sixteenth of March, and she’d used every day of the sixth months in between to train, love, and bond with Banks. The closer the sixteenth got, the more the pit in her stomach grew. 

Banks was everything she’d been missing. Her leave was usually spent keeping herself in perfect physical condition, spending time with Anya and her girlfriend, Raven, and learning some new trade or skill she’d always wanted to explore. It had been enough for the most part, Anya being her only family and Raven being a jackass that completed her so well. 

Lexa loved learning new things, though she rarely involved anyone else unless it would help upkeep her image. She’d invited Anya to join her when she’d learned to drive a motorcycle and the time she’d taken up archery. She’d was even the reason Anya and Raven had met, because she’d let Anya along when she’d taken a three-month ‘Autoshop 101’ course Raven had been instructing in her spare time. 

But there were things that she took up that she kept to herself. Things such as beekeeping and disc golf. In fact, more often than not, Lexa learned alone. She loved it, truly. Candle-making, coffee-roasting, and pottery were things she even kept up with, enjoying the quick return for her efforts. There was something about creating something with one’s hands that had always appealed to her. 

Still, because she wanted to keep her sister plus girlfriend from insulting her, she did many things alone. And, nobody could keep up with her training, so that was done solo as well. 

Banks had changed that as soon as his short legs had grown, his massive paws a warning for how big he’d be once he was fully grown. He’d gone on her runs with her, stared at her in confusion when she put herself through the paces at the dog park or in her living room. 

She never even pretended to scold him when he’d jump up on her bed every night and and curl up against her side. He went with her when she began her Tai Chi classes at a park near her house. She’d made sure to train him strictly but positively, and he was good about sitting still or sticking close until she called for him. 

His presence at the tri-weekly, morning tai chi sessions had made her and Banks the class-favorites, and she continued going to them even after she’d planned on stopping. 

She’d bonded so fully with Banks over that past six months, watched him grow and gained his trust, and it positively destroyed her to know that she wouldn’t be able to see him for six months. She’d miss a large portion of his growth, and she might not even recognize him when she returned. 

It fucking sucked, but she refused to be openly upset about it. 

With a frustrated sigh, Lexa shut her car off, shouldered a backpack, and whistled sharply once. Banks wagged his beautiful tail and jumped out of the car behind her as soon as she stood. 

Heavy, cold droplets poured on her and soaked her hair and clothing in moments as she attached his leash. He didn’t need it, but most places frowned upon loose dogs. 

They walked up to the dog daycare and boarding place together, the business she’d found online that morning when Anya had called and told her she couldn’t pick Banks up until the twentieth because of a work emergency out of state. The plan was to board Banks for a few nights, and Anya would come pick him up as soon as she got in town.

A ball rang over her head as she pushed inside, and a receptionist in a red shirt smiled.

“Welcome to Dog Palace, how can I help you?”

Lexa motioned toward Banks.

“I need to board my dog for a few nights.”

She immediately noticed the wince on the receptionist’s face, a look that said she expected to be yelled at.

“I’m sorry, Miss. We’re completely booked full on account of it being Spring Break.”

Lexa’s mind immediately began calculating time, trying to figure out if she had enough of it to check somewhere else. 

“Do you know of any places that might have openings?”

The receptionist seemed unsure, but she started typing on her computer. 

“There are three boarding businesses within fifteen miles of us. Dogtopia, Dogs At Play, and Barkadia. Would you like their numbers?”

Lexa nodded and started typing the first number as soon as the slip of paper was handed to her. The first two were a miss, both places already filled up for the night. She would never admit to it, but traces of fear flitted through her as she dialed the last number. 

“Thank you for calling Barkadia, this is Finn. How can I help you?”

Lexa glanced at Banks as he sat still beside her, his tail the only thing moving. 

“Yes, I’m looking to board my dog for four nights. Do you have any openings?”

“We do. What time will you be dropping your dog off?”

Relief hammered through her and she waved brusquely as she exited the building, pausing under the overhang to finish the conversation. 

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

“Can I get your name and the dog’s?”

“Lexa Woods. My dog’s name is Banks.”

“Alright, thank you. See you soon.”

Lexa pressed the end call button and jogged toward her car, Banks following. He crossed in front of her as they reached the car, and the leash clipped her phone, sending it flying out of her hand onto the concrete. It clattered across the asphalt into an awaiting puddle. She cursed quietly and lunged for it, yanking it out of the water to find a brutally cracked screen and a phone that refused to turn on. 

“Fucking fuck. Shit.”

She stuffed the phone into her pocket to deal with later and climbed into her car. The drive to the location took forever with the storm and the traffic, and Lexa kept her frustration locked down, her hand stroking through Banks’ wet fur. 

They pulled in front of a sleek-looking building with Barkadia written big and blue on the brick. She jogged inside with Banks at her heels, thoroughly soaked. 

Two people sat out front. One, a guy with long hair and a boyish face, and the other a younger girl. The guy spoke first.

“Are you Lexa?”

“That would be me.”

Finn smiled.

“Awesome. I just need a bit of information from you…”

The next few minutes Lexa spent giving any and all information they might need. She handed over the backpack and explained that she’d already sectioned out his food and left a few treats. There was also a soft green blanket that Anya had given to her a year before. Her sister was going to kill her for regifting it to her dog. Banks’ favorite, giraffe toy was in the bag as well. 

As soon as all the information was in, Finn pointed to a set of screens behind the desk.

“We’ll take him to daycare with the other dogs today and during the rest of the days he’s here. He looks pretty young, would you like him to be with the smaller dogs?”

Lexa nodded, wishing she’d had more notice so she could’ve done her research on this place. Finn typed into the computer and spoke into an earpiece.

“Can I get somebody to give a temp test?

A couple moments later a door opened somewhere Lexa couldn’t see, and a girl in scrubs with the name “Madison” walked out. She had a beanie on her head and her smile was quick as she took in Banks.

“He’s so cute! What’s his name?”

Finn interrupted, the charming smile he’d been wearing the whole time with Lexa was now gone, and he handed the young girl a plastic tag with an attitude.

“It’s Banks. Temp in small.”

Madison rolled her eyes and bent down, letting Banks sniff her hand before scratching his head. 

“You’re a pretty baby, aren’t you?”

Banks, like the charmer he was, began wagging his tail and wiggling his bottom. Madison smiled brightly and wrapped the white tag around Banks’ neck. She reached for the leash, and Lexa froze. She’d prepared for this, really. She knew she’d have to let him go whenever she deployed; she’d known since she’d gotten him. 

But he’d been with her every single day for half a year, and her heart was breaking apart in her chest at the thought of handing him over. She swallowed back tears and slowly handed over the leash to Madison. 

“Hang on a second?”

Madison nodded, and Lexa dropped to her knees in front of Banks. She patted her thighs twice, and Banks walked forward and placed both paws on them. She smiled and scrubbed at his ears, grimacing as he licked her entire face.

“I’ll be back, buddy.”

She forced herself to her feet and nodded to Madison. The girl tilted her head.

“You can watch the test if you want?”

Lexa shook her head.

“I know he’ll do well.”

Madison smiled and pet Banks’ head.

“He seems like a great dog.”

Lexa smiled genuinely at the girl.

“He’s the best.” She would blame her next slip on being surprised by her emotions. “I haven’t been away from him since I got him.”

Madison smiled understandingly for such a young girl. 

“Feel free to call for updates any time. Ask for me, Madi. I’ll let you know how he’s doing.”

Lexa couldn’t say that she wouldn’t be able to do so, so she just nodded her thanks and turned away. She heard a whine as she left the building, and she was exceptionally glad for the rain. 

She floored it back to her apartment and changed into her uniform, pulled her hair into a tight bun, and placed her beret on her head. Gone was Lexa; in her place, Commanding Officer Woods. She grabbed her standard issue bag and pulled it over one shoulder, looking around her sparse home. 

Everything was shut down in preparation for her six month absence, and she cursed Anaya for convincing her to remove her landline when she moved in. Because now, Lexa would have to wait until she arrived at the base to call Anya and let her know where she’d left Banks. 

Lexa unfurled her umbrella and sighed as she left her home, locking the door behind her. She’d never felt like she couldn’t up and leave at a moment’s notice until now, when she was leaving behind her companion. She would start counting down the days. 

~<€~<€~<€~<€

_Present Day_

Lexa blinked rapidly, her eyes crusted over and her existence soaked in pain and desperation. She heaved several ragged breaths, her stomach twisting and forcing her to choke up bile. A hand pressed on her shoulder and she jerked away, knowing that the abuse would start tenfold the moment she truly awoke.

“Woah, hey. Relax, okay? You’re fine. You’re safe.”

Lexa’s limbs shook and her heart thudded painfully in her chest as she tried to twist away from her restraint. But she found that her wrists weren’t bound, and she jerked into a sitting position to try and escape. 

Loud beeping and strange mechanical sounds filled her ears, but it didn’t sound like an alarm. It sounded like a hospital. 

Lexa let the frantic hands push her back against the bed she was on. A bed, not a cot or the ground. She had a mattress of some kind at her back and blankets covering her body. 

She tried to focus on the room around her, finding it too bright and too white. There were mild paintings hanging on the wall, and several machines rested by her bed. She was in a hospital… 

Lexa finally honed in on the person beside her. A nurse: blonde hair, brown eyes. She looked nervous and worried, but she still attempted to comfort Lexa.

“Just relax, Commander Woods. You’re safe.”

Lexa closed her eyes and tried to ignore the ache in her ribs. Her voice was weak and tired. 

“How?”

“I’ll let your superior explain everything. He should be here soon.”

She heard the nurse start walking away, and she raised her hand pathetically.

“How long?”

She could feel the hesitation on the nurse’s end.

“From what I know, you’ve been MIA for over a year.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, well, here’s the revised second chapter. A few things,
> 
> 1) I honestly almost took this down after some really disgusting and hateful comments over something I hadn’t even considered to be of any importance to the story. I decided not to, because that would be giving into the cycle that seems to happen a lot in this fandom. Certain people try and bully authors into writing Clarke and Lexa in a very specific way, or they have a hatred for Clarke that just isn’t amendable. I’ve seen authors give up before for this very reason, so that is why I’m choosing to continue. 
> 
> 2) Because of said hateful comments that I deleted, I did not respond well to the ones who brought it up respectfully. I responded defensively, and for that, I apologize. 
> 
> 3) To the specific jackass who continued (even after I took chapter 2 down to correct it) to insult me and my work after literally seeing two chapters of it, fuck off and write better work yourself if you’re so butthurt. 
> 
> 4) This is not going to be a legal battle in which Clarke tries to keep a dog from Lexa, a wounded war hero. I guess I knew that going in, so I wasn’t thinking about the property law aspect as being all that important. Either way, I’ve changed like, seven sentences to make this more realistic.
> 
> 5) The other elements, including but not limited to: military aspects and the odds of a soldier surviving for a year in a hostile nation, are still going to be unrealistic. This is a narrative I wanted to play out because I thought it would be interesting and exploratory for their characters, not some non-fiction piece of work that follows our reality to a T.

Clarke sat with several different anonymous reports on her desk, her head pounding painfully behind her eyes. According to several employees, Finn was misfiling information out of laziness or, according to others, stupidity. She rolled her eyes, grimacing when it just made her head hurt worse.

She’d hired him on because he’d seemed charming and kind in the interview. He had excellent references and, while she wasn’t sure why he wanted this job when he had a degree in criminology, she’d brought him in. It seemed it had been a mistake, and she was waiting for him to show up for a meeting she’d scheduled to begin fifteen minutes before. 

A few minutes later, Finn strolled into her office, giving her his smarmy grin. He lazily dropped into a chair in front of her and she made up her mind. 

“You’re fired.”

His lazy smirk dropped to sickly shock, and he sat up straight in his chair.

“What?! Why?”

Clarke picked up one document.

“Finn doesn’t fill in all the customer information when bringing in a dog, often not making calls to vet offices to make sure they have their vaccines.” She picked up another one. “Finn wrote down a female customer’s name and number on a slip of paper and put it in his pocket.” 

Clarke moved onto the clock-in application on her computer and turned it to face Finn.

“You haven’t been on time in over a month.” Clarke turned the computer away. “You’re rude to your coworkers and you’ve twice forgotten waters when covering for somebody.”

Finn threw up his hands.

“They’re all probably just making shit up! I don’t fucking do that! And it’s not my fault I forgot the waters! Operations isn’t my job. I swear, was it that fucking kid that said this shit?! I-.”

Clarke pointed to her office door.

“Leave. You’re fired. And, according to a clause in your application, you cannot work at another dog boarding and daycare place for two years. Have a nice day.” Clarke grimaced. “Actually, I hope you don’t.”

Finn stood up angrily and shoved his chair into her desk before jamming the office door open and stalking out. Clarke knew Bellamy would make sure he didn’t cause a scene as he left, and she also knew that somebody would need to cover his shift. 

She owned Barkadia, both the veterinary business and the daycare. It was a two-in-one thing that had accelerated the growth of Barkadia to where it was now. It was her dream, but it was also exhausting to deal with everything managerial on her own while acting as head veterinarian. She desperately needed to hire somebody to do her paperwork. 

Clarke stood and walked out of her office, into the vet-side, and out into the open area of the reception and store. They had dog items for sale throughout the front, and she noted a blue and white dog bed that must’ve recently arrived -Bellamy dealt with deliveries- that she wanted. 

When she reached the front desk, she found Bellamy, Madi, and Tris discussing something seriously. She assumed it would be Finn’s abrupt departure, but she picked up the tail-end of the conversation and frowned.

“...pick him up two days ago. We tried to call the number she left, but it goes straight to voicemail.”

Triss pulled up a file on the computer.

“I was here when she dropped him off. She didn’t seem like the kind of person that would just abandon her dog. I say we give her a bit more time.”

Clarke came to a stop beside the group, and they acknowledged her, but continued discussing. Clarke watched the way Madi’s face pinched in thought, and she knew her daughter had a different opinion than Triss.

“But she looked so sad. She looked at him like she wasn’t going to see him again. Can you pull up the footage?”

Bellamy nodded and pulled up the security program. Clarke input her password and Madi took over, finding the day in question and taking some time to get to what she was talking about. 

Clarke’s eyes widened as a thoroughly drenched woman, probably in her late twenties, walked into the building. Her hair was pulled into a loose braid and a beautiful rottie mix was at her side. 

Clarke watched the exchange, picking out the way the customer’s face remained hard and sharp until Madi walked out and spoke to her, putting on the dog’s plastic tag. When the woman smiled, Clarke raised her brows and tried not to look impressed. Or in awe. 

Madi waited a few more moments before pointing at the screen.

“Watch her face when I reach for the leash.”

Clarke saw it. The way the customer’s lips parted as if she might protest, the way she swallowed and looked down at her dog exactly how Madi described it: like she’d never see him again. Fuck. 

Clarke pushed a frustrated hand through her hair. She definitely didn’t want to deal with this today. Or tomorrow. It had only happened a couple times since she’d opened several years before, but every time, without fail, it was a serious pain in her ass. It was also horribly depressing. 

Madi turned her particularly devastating pout on Clarke, and Clarke knew what was about to come out of her daughter’s mouth. She held up a hand.

“You have a rabbit.”

Madi’s pout etched deeper and she gripped Clarke’s shirt sleeve. It really wasn’t fair how easily she was manipulated by her own child. 

“Moooom, he’s such a good boy!”

Clarke punched Bellamy’s side when he snickered.

“We don’t know that his owner isn’t coming back. We have to exhaust all options. And then he goes to an adoption shelter.”

Madi tugged on her arm again, looking all the world like Clarke had truly devastated her. 

“Just go back there with him for one day. I’ll work up here for Finn, and you can go back for me. Just meet him. You’ll see.”

Clarke narrowed her eyes at her daughter and huffed. 

“You’re a brat.” Madi tried to pull of innocent, but Clarke tapped her nose and shook her head. “I’m just going to meet him. This isn’t definite in any way. Keep trying to call the owner. Stalk her on Facebook. Figure out who she is and why she might be leaving her dog.”

Clarke left before her daughter could look any more smug or Bellamy any more amused. Vet-side was taken care of for the day by Nyko and their new hire, Jasper. So Clarke made her way down the hall toward the cacophony of barks and yipps that would deafen her in moments. 

She smiled at Nat as she reached the door for the small-dog room. The girl was in high school, probably a sophomore, but she was a good worker and Clarke liked her. Most of her employees were young, either in high school or just out of it. Nat waved at her. 

“You’re working back here today?”

Clarke nodded and slipped into the room, making sure none of the dogs escaped in the process. Little paws pressed insistently into her ankles, calves, and thighs as the dogs crowded around her. Nat chuckled, then pointed toward a beautiful puppy with too-large ears and massive paws.

“That’s my new best friend. His name is Banks.”

Clarke rolled her eyes.

“Don’t let my daughter rope you into her schemes.”

Nat blushed and shrugged, trying to cover herself and Madi. 

“I mean… it’s not untrue. He’s my favorite dog in here. You’ll see.”

Nat left, and Clarke stared down the puppy that was chewing playfully on the leg of a Newfie pup Clarke thought might be named Badger. She was determined not to like him, but the moment he caught her eye, he was running for her. 

His gigantic paws lifted up, but he dropped them down again before they reached her. Banks waited with a tilted head until she testingly patted her thighs. Immediately, Banks leapt up and pressed his front paws to her stomach, his tongue lolling out and his entire back end wiggling along with his tail. Clarke groaned loudly and scratched along the top of the Rottie-mix’s head. 

She was fucking screwed.

The rest of the day was filled with the banging of a gavel. Case closed. Madi won. 

Banks was one of the happiest dogs she’d ever met, playing with any dog that crossed his path whether they enjoyed it or not. Whenever a smaller dog joined the fray, Banks would fall to his side and play on their level as they stepped all over his face and body. 

Whenever Clarke sat down, Banks would clomp his too-big paws over to her and set his head on her knee and stare at her with his golden-brown eyes until she pet him. Sometimes he curled up on the ground by her feet and pass out for a few minutes, only to be fully charged and ready to play as soon as he got up again. 

Clarke adored him. 

By the time the end of the day came around, Madi peered through the door and gave her a look.

“So?”

Clarke rolled her eyes and continued scratching Banks’ ears.

“Don’t be coy, kiddo.”

Madi grinned and slipped into the room. 

“I’m trying to protect your pride. You’re a bad loser.”

Clarke narrowed her eyes at her daughter and goaded her playfully.

“Keep talking.”

Madi held up her hands in surrender as she knelt beside Banks. 

“I can do the cleaning back here. Can’t have your old knees giving out on you.”

Clarke huffed and poked her daughter’s shoulder.

“You’re in a sassy mood for somebody who wants me to bring home _another_ animal.”

Madi feigned innocence as Clarke stood to leave the room. She still needed to check over the order log Bellamy left on her desk. Searching through a few of the recent applications wouldn’t be a bad idea either. 

She gave Madi a serious look. 

“I know you like him, but we can’t take him just yet. The owner might still come get him. You know protocol for this is a week and ten calls. And even then, there are outstanding circumstances that would allow him to go back to his owner.”

Madi nodded, her face a mix of hope and realism. 

“I know. But he’s really great, isn’t he?”

Clarke smiled.

“He really is.”

~<€~<€~<€~<€

_Present Day_

Clarke quickly and precisely finished suturing the belly of the unconscious black Lab on the table. She’d successfully removed a growing collection of rocks that had built up in its intestines. 

Jasper slowly walked over to the operating table and gently ran his hand along the dog’s fur.

“Clarke, somebody wants to talk to you?”

It seemed like more of a question than it should have, and Clarke cut the thread before giving her vet tech a once over. 

He looked nervous. 

Clarke set down her equipment and frowned.

“Who is it?”

“Some scary lady wanting to talk to you about Banks.”

Clarke froze, her heart losing pace for a moment. If it was somebody wanting to take him, they’d have another thing coming. Replacing her uncertainty with stubborn certainness, Clarke motioned toward the Lab.

“Get him to a suite to rest. Don’t forget water.” She started to walk away, but stopped. “And a blanket. Make sure—“

Jasper waved her away with a small smile.

“I got it, Dr. G. You’re the one that trained me.”

She nodded apologetically and washed her hands in the sink beside the table. She took a few long moments to dry them, but she wouldn’t accept the reason to be stalling. She just liked dry hands. 

With purposeful strides, Clarke stalked toward the front entrance. She made sure her shoulders were squared and her jaw was locked in place. 

When she rounded the corner, she faltered a moment. It wasn’t the dog’s owner as she’d expected. It was a tall woman, and her features made it clear why Jasper seemed so nervous; all sharp angles and intense eyes. 

There was another woman with her, her skin a smooth tan. She didn’t seem as intimidating, but her lips were pulled into a frown and her eyes were looking right at Triss and Madi. 

Clarke cleared her throat and stepped into their line of sight.

“Can I help you?”

Both women turned their eyes on her. The taller one nodded sternly.

“Are you Clarke Griffin?”

Clarke crossed her arms, something both women seemed to take note of.

“I am.”

The same woman spoke again. 

“I need to talk about a dog that was brought here over a year ago. These two claim that no such dog existed. It seems bad for business to lie to possible clients, Dr. Griffin.”

Clarke glanced at her daughter and saw the fear there, the fear that these people might try to take Banks away from them. She looked back at the women. They may be intimidating, but Clarke could be a bitch too. 

“It seems rather indecent to abandon a dog. But sure, let’s make judgements on the morals of children instead.”

Instead of indignation or argument that they technically hadn’t been the ones to abandon Banks, twin looks of relief flickered on the women’s faces. 

“So he was here?”

Clarke motioned for them to follow her, biting back her confusion. 

“We’ll speak about this in my office.”

Clarke didn’t look back at them, hearing their footsteps as they followed. 

She lead them through the back section of suites and through the vet side to reach her office. She didn’t hold the door for them, and instead situated herself behind her desk without sitting down. 

It seemed like the two women there had the same idea. She gestured at them.

“Can I have your names?”

The tall one clenched her jaw and remained silent, and Clarke saw the first sign of humanity when the shorter one rolled her eyes.

“I’m Raven Reyes. This is Anya Woods.”

Clarke nodded, gluing those names to her brain.

“What would you like to know about Banks? And why?”

Anya glared down at her.

“We just want to know what adoption agency you sent him to.”

Clarke narrowed her eyes.

“For what purpose?”

Anya tensed, her body straightening.

“It doesn’t seem to be your business.”

Clarke frowned.

“And this dog doesn’t seem to be yours. If you came back here to be disagreeable, I’m going to ask you to leave.”

Raven glanced between the two, noticing the same rigidity as Clarke it seemed, because she gently placed her hand on Anya’s back.

“Sit down, Ahn.”

Anya looked like she was going to resist, but her anger faltered into a look of exhaustion as she slowly lowered herself into a chair. Raven took the other one and smiled tightly at Clarke.

“Banks’ owner is Anya’s sister.”

Clarke pretended she hadn’t memorized the last name, hadn’t worried about this possibility before.

“And you want to find him because?”

Any fight that had seemed to leave Anya before sprung back into life, and her eyes snapped to Clarke’s. Raven’s hand on her arm kept her silent as she leaned forward slightly.

“We want to make sure he went to a good home. We want to speak to the new owners of possible.”

Clarke felt sick.

“And you’re just now doing this?”

Anya’s voice was clipped and hostile.

“Circumstances have changed. Do you have the agency or not? We can find out other ways.”

Clarke bristled.

“Are you threatening me?”

Anya’s nostrils flared.

“If it works.”

Clarke shook her head and pointed to the door.

“Leave.”

Anya jerked to her feet, eyes wild and somehow fearful, and Raven followed with pain etched in every line of her face. She turned Anya toward her and gently touched the side of her jaw. 

“Go outside, okay? I’ll talk to her and see if we can work something out.”

Anya’s shoulders slumped in defeat and she leaned into the touch momentarily before stalking out of the room. 

Clarke felt uncomfortable, like she’d just witnessed a very intimate exchange. 

Her blood was boiling and her heart was pounding, but she got the sense that she didn’t even know a quarter of the story being hinted at. 

When the door closed behind Anya, Raven’s calm features twisted into exhaustion. She gave Clarke a tired smile.

“Do you want the long or short story?”

Clarke was taken aback, but she carefully lowered herself to her desk chair and watched Raven do the same.

“Short. For now.”

Raven nodded and sighed, a hand running over her face.

“Lexa Woods dropped her dog off at this daycare last year before being deployed.” 

Clarke’s world spun a bit at the new information, her mind already coming up with various plot points that might be following that statement. 

Raven continued. 

“Anya and I were supposed to take care of Banks while she was gone for six months. We’d planned it all out, prepped our home, and then circumstances had changed to where there was a four day gap between when we could pick him up and when Lexa left. On the third day of that time period, Anya received a call.”

Raven looked haunted, her eyes dark with pain. Her voice wavered slightly.

“She was told that her sister was missing in action, presumed dead.”

Clarke’s chest was pounding wildly, her throat tight. She didn’t say anything. 

Raven looked at her hands.

“Anya was…” She shook her head. “Wrecked doesn’t cut it. Nothing really can paint of a picture of what losing somebody’s only family in the world does to them. Lexa always kept updated on her will, and she named Anya as the sole inheritor of all her possessions. But she couldn’t bring herself to to pick up Banks. He was everything to Lexa, and Anya wasn’t ready to look at him without her by his side. She snapped at me whenever I mentioned him. And so I… I just let it go. We knew he’d be sent to a shelter and re-homed.”

Clarke could see the tears welling in Raven’s eyes and she tried to wrap her mind about the one-eighty that this meeting just took. Her heart was breaking for them. 

Raven cleared her throat.

“Anyway, two weeks ago, we got a call. Lexa had been found. Alive. Just barely.”

Clarke’s breath caught painfully in her throat as she waited, leaning forward, to hear the rest. She didn’t know why it mattered so much. 

Raven met her eyes again, this time filled with certainty.

“Lexa isn’t doing well. She understood why we didn’t have Banks, but…” Raven ran her hand through her hair. “He was her little dude, you know? Lexa didn’t ever have much, but that dog meant everything to her. Anya hates herself for being too weak, and Lexa keeps pretending it’s fine.” 

Raven stopped and scoffed at herself. 

“Sorry. Somehow the short version turned into the long, dramatic version. We just want to be able to talk to the new owners. We would do anything to get him back. Money wouldn’t be an issue.”

Clarke felt sick. She wanted to throw up in her trash bin. The story was heart wrenching. And technically, if what they were saying was true, Lexa had claim to Banks should she want him. Clarke had to check a few things first and she spoke softly.

“We tried to find Lexa Woods on FB. On google. Nothing came up.”

Raven chuckled. 

“Lexa never understood the meaning of sharing her life with anyone she didn’t love. And she only had two people and one dog. And we all already knew everything about her that she was willing to share.” Raven reached into her pocket and pulled out a small envelope. She took out a photo and slid it across the desk. “This envelope is all the proof I can give you… I know that’s what you’re looking for.”

Clarke slowly took the picture and turned it toward her. She almost cried. There was the woman she’d seen on the cameras. She was decked out in full service uniform, her hair in a similar braid to the video. She was smiling and holding a little baby Banks in her arms. Clarke found her utterly breathtaking. 

Clarke took a slow breath, mind reeling as she tried to figure out how the hell to handle this. She needed more time to think, to decide how she was going to tell Madi that she might lose her dog. 

“I will contact the agency and see if I can’t procure the information you’re looking for. It will be better if we call. They aren’t likely to tell you anything. It may take a few days.”

Relief filled every aspect of the woman before her, and she pulled out a small card from her pocket.

“Thank you. Just call my number when you find anything.” 

Clarke took the outstretched card carefully. She felt bad lying, horrible, but she had to speak to her daughter before she made any decisions. Banks was her life, and she wasn’t going to rip him away from her without giving her a little warning and time to say goodbye. Madi had had her own losses before Clarke adopted her. Her daughter had serious fears about losing the people and things she cared about. 

“I will.”

Raven pushed the envelope toward her.

“Keep that. If the agency needs any proof, there are more pictures in there. And the adoption files from before.” 

Raven turned to leave, but paused a moment and gave Clarke a small smile.

“I’m sorry for my girlfriend’s behavior. She’s pretty rough normally, but she’s having a really hard time right now.”

Clarke nodded in understanding and watched with a heavy heart as Raven left the office, hope on her face. 

She pulled out her phone and texted her mother, asking her to call when she got the chance. 

Banks had been staying with her mother’s boyfriend, Marcus, during the day because he’d gotten Giardia and couldn’t come into the daycare until it was cured. Madi had been adamant that they not keep him in a suite for two weeks.

Clarke waited a few moments before standing from her chair and making her way back to the front desk where Madi and Triss were speaking quietly. Her daughter saw her and approached quickly, worry coating her features. 

“What did they want?” She frowned. “I’m sorry I lied… I just got scared that they’d want to take him back and. . .”

She trailed off and looked down, her hands coming together nervously. Clarke’s heart broke futher. She’d had Madi for four years, but sometimes the ‘scared foster kid’ in her came out when she thought she’d disappointed Clarke.

Clarke nudged her chin gently to get her attention. 

“Hey, I understand. Let’s talk about this at home? Okay?”

Madi picked up on what she wasn’t saying.

“They do want him back, don’t they.”

It wasn’t a question, because Madi was too smart to believe anything else. 

Clarke nodded anyway, her eyes tracking toward the entrance where she knew the two woman had just left. 

“I’m so sorry, sweetie. We can discuss our options tonight.”

Madi looked on the verge of tears, but she nodded her head and took a shaky breath. 

“Okay.”

She felt her own eyes fill and turned away before she broke down in front of her daughter. She knew this was always a possibility, and really, if she wanted to fight it, she had a small chance, but Clarke wasn’t going to get into a legal battle with a wounded soldier.

She just had to figure out how to make her daughter understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this corrects the frustrations from last chapter. 
> 
> Comment moderation is now on, because apparently people forget that telling another human being to kill themselves in unacceptable. 
> 
> I will respond better next time to any CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. 
> 
> If somebody would like to beta this and look out for any further egregious errors, please, let me know.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’d just like to reaffirm that I know next to nothing about the military and how it works. Nor have I suffered from PTSD. 
> 
> Trigger warning for PTSD attacks. 
> 
> This is unedited.
> 
> Also, there are pictures of Banks’ muse on my tumblr of this same name. He’s a dog I work with frequently and I adore him. HES THE BEST OKAY. He likes ice cubes and relaxing in the pool. Lol.

_Present Day_

Lexa hadn’t waited long before the USSOCOM Commander walked into her hospital room with a look she’d never seen on his face. He was a hard man, weathered and battle-worn, and until this moment, she’d never seen him smile. 

“Commanding Officer Woods, I can’t express how happy I am to see you alive.”

Lexa nodded her head. Speaking was difficult, and she’d never been one to mince words.

“Thank you, Sir.”

He seemed to look her over, taking in the bandages that covered a good part of her body. The smile settled into a somber appreciation.

“You have distinguished yourself, Officer. Your strength kept thousands alive and safe. The United States Military thanks you. And I thank you.”

Lexa didn’t know how to be proud. It took all her strength to meet the Commander’s gaze and not waver. A part of her expected retaliation, a strike across her face, and blade sliding into her shoulder or thigh. 

Despite her efforts, when his hand reached out toward her for a handshake, she jerked backward, the machines in her room beeping wildly around her. Shame drowned her as her vision flickered, her throat closing until she couldn’t breathe. She was not this weak. She would overcome this.

Lexa tried to swallow her response and settle down, but the machines were loud and repetitive and she sucked in sharp breaths and closed her eyes. She was in the room again, her sweat dripping into the open wounds on her arms and stomach. Her torturer was walking around behind her; the clatter of utensils on metal and against each other filled her ears and keyed up the bone chilling fear that consumed her.

It took several minutes, two nurses running into the room and silencing the machines once they realized they were a contributing factor to her panic. 

When she was finally stabilized, she swallowed thickly and met her Commanding Officer’s eyes. There was pity there, pity that she hated. Lexa stuck out her hand firmly, obvious in her intent even if her body was shaking and her instinct to fight was high.

“My apologies, Sir.”

He seemed to understand that she needed this moment, and he moved back the few steps he’d taken to free up space around her for the nurses and clasped her hand with a firm grip. 

“Don’t apologize, Woods.” He let go and nodded toward the door. “You have people waiting to see you. It is your choice whether you’re ready.”

Lexa’s longed to see her sister’s face, to touch her and know that she was alive and real. But so much of her was terrified of what Anya would see when she looked at her. She didn’t want pity. She didn’t need pity. 

“They can come in.”

He nodded and gave her one last smile. 

“I’ll let them know. Thank you again, Commander.”

She settled back onto her pillows and ignored the concerned looks of the nurses standing by her bed. The one who’d woken her for the first time- Lexa believed her name was Molly- spoke. 

“You don’t have to have anyone else in here if you’re not ready.”

Lexa gritted her teeth. 

“I’m fine.”

Molly didn’t push, and she motioned for the other nurse to follow her from the room. 

Before the door closed, another hand caught it. Lexa couldn’t breathe again, but this time, it wasn’t from panic. 

Her sister’s face appeared in the doorway. She hadn’t seen her sister in a year; a year that felt like ten. It was like pieces of her shattered soul began their journey to regrowth. She couldn’t cry, she didn’t think it was possible anymore, but her eyes stung.

“Hey, Ahn.”

Her sister sobbed and Lexa could tell she was restraining herself from running over. 

Anya slowly approached and smiled through her tears as she looked at Lexa. Lexa reached out her hand and grasped Anya’s fingers.

Anya cried harder and squeezed.

“Lex, I missed you so much.”

Lexa tried to smile. She did. It came out as a tired, weak grimace.

“I missed you too.”

“Can I hug you?”

Lexa tugged her sister forward knowing it would hurt her injuries. She didn’t care. She could suffer for this. 

Her sister’s arms wrapped carefully around her, and Lexa clung to her like she would die if she let go. Because this was the first time in a year that she’d been touched with so much love and care. The second time she’d been touched in a year in which the intention was not to make her speak, not to hurt her. 

Her eyes watered, but no tears fell. Another form entered behind Anya, the slight limp enough to tell her who it was. Relief flooded her. Anya had a tendency to push people away when she was suffering. An irrational part of her had been scared that her being lost for a year would be the cause of her sister’s break up. In the end, it had ended up saving her life. People with a mission were harder to break, harder to crush; they didn’t give up. Lexa spent hours every day thinking about the day she’d escape, get back to the States, find her sister, and make her get back with her girlfriend. 

It had been so stupid, so small, but it had been enough. Now, seeing Raven there, Lexa felt like a mission had been completed; even if it wasn’t by her. 

“Raven.”

Raven came to a stop beside Anya and smiled brightly, her cheeky grin the same as before. Even the tears on her face couldn’t hide it. 

“Lookin’ good, Lex.”

Lexa huffed out a breath that was meant to be a laugh. 

“I missed you too.”

Raven gave her a sincere smile and rubbed her eyes. 

It was a strange pocket of a moment where time seemed endless and words seemed so few. None of them really knew what to say, almost overwhelmed by the miracle of Lexa actually being there. 

Lexa searched for something, anything, and she settled on something she’d thought about almost as much as her sister and Raven; another mission she wanted to succeed: coming back to her dog. 

“How’s my little guy?”

The way both Raven and Anyas’ faces fell had Lexa’s heart slamming painfully in her chest. Anya opened her mouth, then closed it again. 

“Lex. . .I--”

Raven placed a hand on Anya’s back to give her support, and Anya lowered her head. 

“When I heard the news that you were presumed dead. . . I couldn’t take him. I wasn’t strong enough. I’m so sorry.”

Lexa fought back the surge of pain and anger she felt. She vaguely understood what he sister was saying and why she was saying it, but it _hurt._

“Where is he?”

Anya squeezed her hand painfully tight. 

“I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

Lexa shook her head. 

“I understand, Ahn. It’s okay.”

She did understand. But It wasn’t okay. Lexa felt like she’d been pierced through the lungs and filled with ice. 

Anya didn’t look convinced, but she stopped apologizing long enough for Raven to change the subject. 

Lexa always liked her for her ability to spot tension and divert it. 

“Gustus and Indra are on a flight back as we speak.”

Lexa tried to smile again. The muscles in her face didn’t seem to understand what she was doing and protested strongly. 

“I look forward to seeing them as well. Gustus will be so mad I got myself caught.”

Anya seemed immediately shaken by her words, and Lexa immediately wanted to retract them. She felt so unsure of how to speak to somebody who had always been so easy to speak to before. 

It didn’t get better as the night went on, both of them trying to say the right things and always saying something different. 

~<€~<€~<€~<€

It didn’t get much better for the next week. Or the next.

Lexa went over her story with several members of USSOCOM, only succumbing to attacks twice while relieving some of the more traumatic parts of her capture, escape, time spent hiding and changing locations, and final escape. It was embarrassing and she hated herself for every moment she couldn’t be the soldier she was before; couldn’t hold her posture and mask her face. But she’d done it. 

She was bound to the hospital until the worst of her injuries healed. And members of her team came to visit her, bringing her gifts and and cards and letters from their family members thanking her for saving the rest of them: Lincoln and Roan stayed longer than most. It was overwhelming, but she felt starved for connection, and she wanted them there just as much as she didn’t. 

Gustus and Indra came, and Gustus gave her hell like she’d expected, but he’d been so happy to see her that his hard exterior so often in place cracked freed tears. Indra had been the one of the two to retain her stoicism for the most part, though Lexa caught her smiling on a few occasions. 

Raven was easy. She was light and there was no pressure. She didn’t act like the entire world had been changed by Lexa’s return. 

Anya. . . Anya was difficult. They weren’t clicking. It felt like her sister was tiptoeing around her, so careful and unlike the Anya she’d left. Lexa felt like she had to be the same person she was before, she hated the looks of confusion or pain or sadness that crossed her sister’s face when she didn’t react or act as she might have before. 

They were both trying so, so hard, and they kept falling short. 

It was wearing on them, but they were unsure what to do with it, how to fix it. 

Putting all of that together- being stuck for two weeks in a hospital bed with needles and machines and constant people, the loss of her dog, the attacks that lead to her being diagnosed with PTSD, her inability to connect with Anya- it built and built and built. 

Around the two-week mark, a bedpan was dropped in the hallway outside her room, and Lexa had flashbacks to her capture, the sound of a gun-crack that pierced her ribs and lodged itself there. She had her worst attack yet, flinging herself to the floor and ripping out the IV’s in her arm. She tore open stitches and messed up the cast on her leg. When Anya tried to help her up, she’d pushed at her and screamed and cowered. It had taken over ten minutes to properly calm her down.

She’d never been more humiliated as the nurses lifted her onto the hospital bed and had to spend an hour stitching her up and resetting her cast. Anya had stood back the entire time, just watching her with a look of muted horror and helplessness. 

It hadn’t helped, and Lexa was furious at herself, but she took it out on Anya in a bitter shout.

“Stop staring at me!”

The nurses had jolted next to her, and Anya looked shocked and crestfallen. Lexa pressed her hands to her face and wished she could shove the words back in. Anya’s voice was quiet when she answered, but Lexa couldn’t look at her. 

“I’m sorry, Lexa.”

There was the sound of her door, and Lexa couldn’t bear to open her eyes and see her sister gone. She did it anyway, and cried silently for the first time since her return.

~<€~<€~<€~<€

Clarke sat in her mother’s living room watching as Banks and Madi played on the carpet. Madi dragged the rope toy around her as fast as she could while Banks chased it, tail wagging as he panted and made quiet little barks. 

Madi had bonded with Banks, and he’d chosen her to follow around the house, to beg for food from, to play with. He’d quietly pushed into her room the first night and climbed onto her bed. Madi took him for a walk any day he didn’t go to the daycare with her. They were inseparable. 

It made this conversation even harder. 

“Madi…”

Her daughter slowed her hand and allowed Banks to catch the rope. She scratched behind his ears and pushed herself off of the ground. She looked nervous and sad, and Clarke patted the spot beside her on the couch. 

“We have to talk, kiddo.”

Madi nodded and looked at Banks once more before joining Clarke. 

“Those ladies want Banks?”

Clarke sighed and nodded.

“They do.”

Madi’s chin trembled. 

“Can we fight it? They abandoned him.” Her voice rose as she convinced herself of the unfairness of it all. “They shouldn’t just get to leave him for a whole year and come back like they care about him! He’s my dog.” 

Her voice broke at the end, and Clarke found her eyes watering as she placed her arm around her daughter. She’d known this would be difficult, painful even, but knowing and experiencing anguish on her daughter’s face was something she hadn’t ever wanted to see again.

She waited for Madi’s sobs to shift into quiet sniffling before she continued. 

“We didn’t know the full story. . . there’s a lot more going on here that I didn’t know until today.”

Clarke took Madi’s hand and began to explain. She told the same story Raven had imparted on her, and she watched her daughter’s already tear-streaked face become more distraught, while, at the same time, resolving itself to a decision that Clarke recognized as acceptance.

Madi had a heart for helping and understanding and loving people. She had suffered enough to know what it looked like in others.

Still, she sniffed and glanced at Banks.

“Do you know if they’re being honest?”

Clarke pulled out the envelope and shook out all the pictures and a folded piece of paper. The top one was the photo she’d seen before with Lexa in her uniform and Banks cuddled into her arms. 

Madi studied it closely, touching the woman’s face carefully.

“Her eyes…”

Clarke had seen it too. The woman was beautiful, striking, but her eyes looked like Clarke’s father’s had when he’d return from deployment. They looked like they carried the world, like the smile on her face came at a price. 

Madi moved onto the next photo, and Clarke smiled slightly. It was a photo of Raven, Anya, and Lexa all sitting on the ground, Banks in between them on his back with his paws in the air and his head lulling to the side; his mouth wide open. 

Madi chuckled quietly. 

“He didn’t look like a rottie as much when he was a puppy.”

Clarke smiled.

“It was probably because of his massive ears.”

The next item was the certificate of adoption that Raven had promised was inside. 

Two more photos followed: one was a picture of Lexa and Banks asleep in a large dog bed. Lexa had on sweats and a tee, her arms wrapped around Banks and her face pressed into his fur. There was a little note attached at the bottom. _Lexa has always been a lightweight. Somehow, three beers down and all she wanted to do was cuddle her dog._

The last photo ripped the air from Clarke’s lungs. This one was obviously recent. It was a hospital room, and laying on the bed was a shell of the woman in the photos. 

Her hair was short and choppy, a part on the side partially shaved. Her face was covered in bruises and minor cuts. Her arms were bandaged and her left leg was in a cast. Her skin seemed to cling to her bones in a way that suggested she was nutrient-starved. 

Beside her, two people stood, their bodies rigid in salutes even though they had on civilian clothing. One was large and burley, the other a slender but strong woman. She couldn’t see their faces. 

Clarke returned her attention to the woman in the hospital bed and she focused on her eyes. They were heavy and dull, dead, filled with an exhaustion unnameable; and exhaustion she could never properly know or understand. 

Clarke heard her daughter sniff slightly and she closed her eyes. 

She hadn’t wanted to do this, hadn’t wanted to ever see her daughter face a loss like this. It was easy when they all thought Banks’ owner had left him purposefully. But in light of this new information, there was no way either of them would be able to live with themselves should they make the process of returning Banks to his owner more difficult than it needed to be.

Clarke unfolded the last piece of paper. It was a letter, handwritten and half a page page long.

_To Banks’ New Owners,_

_I didn’t provide this envelope as a way to guilt anyone, as I know that might be what it is perceived as. I shared very personal things with you, and while nobody else knows about my doing so, I thought it was necessary to help you understand. My family is suffering._

_Anya can’t connect with her own sister. Lexa suffers from PTSD and an idea that she’s not allowed to be weak. We don’t know what to do, and Anya is beside herself for letting Banks slip through her fingers. She has it in her head that he could solve all of their problems. While I do not believe that is the case, I think it could be a first step in Lexa’s healing._

_I understand if you choose to keep him. You’ve had him longer than we’ve ever known him, and he is a wonderful companion. But if you’re willing, we would like to purchase him from you. No price is too high. Please, just consider this._

Madi set down the letter, turned into Clarke’s shoulder, and cried softly for several minutes. Clarke held her tightly and ran a hand along her spine to soothe her. 

When Madi spoke, her voice was hoarse but certain. 

“When we gave him back, do you think they’d let me visit him?”

Clarke’s throat hurt. She willed away her tears. 

“We can surely ask, baby. I know this is difficult.”

Banks stopped chewing on the toy in the living room and trotted over, his innocent eyes studying them and his head settling on Madi’s lap. He whined slightly, and Madi reached out to rub his head. 

“She needs him.”

Clarke subtlety wiped at her eyes and squeezed her daughter tightly.

“I’m proud of you. You are so much stronger and intuitive than I ever was at your age.”

Madi tucked her head into Clarke’s chest.

“When I was alone, you came and you saved me.”

Clarke barely stopped from sobbing. Her daughter continued.

“If her dog can save her, I don’t want to be in the way.” 

Clarke leaned down and kissed Madi’s head, so unbelievably proud and amazed. Her daughter was magnificent. 

“You saved me too, you know?”

Madi curled into her further and giggled wetly.

“Duh, mom.”

Clarke laughed. They remained locked together, Banks still resting his head on Madi’s lap, until Clarke’s mom opened the door to the house and walked in to find them. 

Clarke had told her everything when her mother had called while on a break at the hospital. She took them in and smiled softly.

“Look at my big-hearted girls.”

Banks’ ears perked up and he walked over, head tilting at Abby. She rolled her eyes and patted her thighs, giving him permission to jump up. His large paws landed on her chest and he wagged his tail rapidly as she pet him. 

“Alright, Banksy. Hello to you too.”

Banks dropped down and spun in a circle before jogging back to the couch and returning to his position. Madi laughed. 

“You’re going to help the soldier get better, aren’t you, big guy?”

Clarke pulled out Raven’s business card from her pocket and handed it to her daughter. 

“Would you like to tell them?”

Madi took the card in her hand and nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys thought of the chapter!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this took awhile, but life is crazy. 
> 
> This is unedited.

Raven watched as Anya tried to put something together that Lexa would like. It hurt to see the woman she loved look so lost all the time. 

Anya was trying so hard. Lexa was trying so hard. They kept clashing in the wrong places. 

Now, as Anya painstakingly tried to create Lexa’s favorite meal, Raven was forced to sit back. She had offered to help a few times, but Anya had shaken her head and kept searching for whatever ingredient she was looking for in the kitchen. 

Raven was so, so overjoyed that Lexa was home and safe. She loved her like her own sister. She just wished the two women would let go of the idea that they couldn’t make mistakes. Anya seemed of the mind that one wrong move might lose Lexa forever, and nothing Raven said was changing her mind.

She felt trapped in a useless cycle, and if something didn’t change soon, she wasn’t sure what she’d do. 

The buzzing of her phone dragged her attention from her frenzied girlfriend to her phone. It was an unknown number. Raven tried to keep her hopes low as she picked it up to answer it. She didn’t have much hope with Banks’ situation as it was, and they’d only spoken to Dr. Griffin that morning. 

“Reyes.”

The voice that spoke was young.

_“Is this Raven?”_

“It is.”

_“This is Madi, from Barkadia.”_

Raven’s heartbeat went haywire and she quickly stood from the couch. 

“Just a moment, Madi.”

She made her way toward their bedroom to keep Anya out of earshot. She didn’t want her girlfriend to hear any bad news while she was already frustrated and overwhelmed and so close to breaking down.

“Sorry about that. Did you find the owners? Can I talk to them?”

There was an extended silence on the other end that had Raven veering toward the worst, but Madi’s next words had her floored. 

_“I’m sorry I lied to you about Banks earlier. I didn’t know what you wanted with him. He’s… he’s my dog.”_

Raven sucked in a breath and blew it out. She didn’t know what to say to that. The girl continued. 

_“Anyway, my mom and I talked about it, and--” Her voice broke and when she continued, it sounded like she was crying. “We want Lexa to have Banks back.”_

Raven almost wept, but she tried to keep it together and be an actual adult. She wasn’t about to rip this girl’s dog from her. 

“Are you sure, kid?” Madi began crying harder and Raven closed her eyes. “Hey, I know you’re trying to do the right thing, but I don’t want to take him from you.”

_”No, no. It’s okay. B-because your friend needs him more than me. Can I-- would I be able to see him again?”_

Raven just about collapsed with relief. 

“Of course, kid. You have no idea how much this means to us. You have no idea how much this will mean to Lexa. Thank you so much.”

The girl sniffed into the receiver.

_”My mom wants to talk to you.”_

Raven heard muffled conversation and another person got on the phone. 

_“Raven, it’s Clarke Griffin.”_

Raven paused, her mind processing the information and storing it in place.

“Dr. Griffin… I don’t know how to thank you.”

Clarke sighed over the phone. 

_”There’s no need, Raven. I do apologize for misleading you earlier, but I just needed a moment with my daughter to talk before anything.”_

Raven sat on her bed and tried to calm her slamming heart. 

“Of course. I understand. I’m sorry… I know this has to be difficult for her. And for you. She doesn’t have to do this--”

_”Madi is certain that this is the right decision, and there’s nothing to change her mind._

“You have an incredible daughter.”

_”I know. She’s my world.”_

There was silence for a moment, and then Raven spoke.

“About the matter of payment? Do you have an asking pri--”

_”We aren’t going to take your money, Raven. The only thing we ask is that Madi gets to see Banks sometimes, if at all possible.”_

Raven shook her head. 

“Of course she can, but I feel like we owe you so much more.”

_”Banks improved our lives significantly while he was with us. In my daughter’s words, ‘It is time for him to do that for somebody else.’ Just visits for her will be enough.”_

Raven sighed.

“If you insist. Lexa is being released from the hospital in a few days’ time. She’ll be transferred back here and we’ll be helping her get situated for a day or so. You can take as much time as you need with Banks. We can wait, or…”

She trailed off, not quite sure what else to offer.

_”I think it would be best if you came and got Banks when you arrive. We’ll provide you with all of his things as well.”_

Raven couldn’t believe the generosity of this family.

“Are you sure I can’t write you a check? Even just to cover the items bought?”

_”I’m sure.”_ There was some murmuring once more and Clarke spoke quietly when she returned. _”I need to go. Let me know when you’re in town and I’ll send you my address and set up a time.”_

Raven nodded to herself. 

“Thank you so much, Dr. Griffin. Thank your daughter. There are really no words.”

_”I will. Have a good day.”_

Raven heard the click that signalled the end of the call and she leapt off the bed in excitement, only to stumble when her leg caught wrong and twinged painfully. She stumbled against the bedside table and knocked off the small lamp before collapsing onto the ground. She rolled her eyes and huffed.

A clatter sounded from the kitchen, followed by running footsteps.

“Raven?!”

The door flew open and Anya was at her side in a second, her hands gentle but frantic as they checked her over. Raven firmly caught her hands and met Anya’s eyes.

“I’m fine, Ahn.”

Anya looked stricken, her eyes still searching for injury. 

Raven let go of one hand and cupped Anya’s cheek, forcing their eyes to meet. 

“Baby, I’m okay. Just help me sit up.”

Anya carefully adjusted Raven so she was sitting against the wall. Despite her efforts, Raven winced when she stretched out her leg. 

Anya looked on the verge of tears as she gently pressed her fingers into the sore spots by Raven’s knee to begin massaging it.

“I’m sorry, Raven. I’ve been so distant and distracted. . . I-- I’ll do better.”

Raven shook her head and pulled Anya forward, kissing her slowly and surely. 

“Anya, don’t apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re doing your best.”

Anya looked down. 

“It’s not enough.” 

Raven tutted and wiped the tear that slipped down Anya’s cheek.

“Yes it is. You’re always enough, you beautiful jackass. Now kiss me, because I have the best news.”

Anya rolled her eyes and leaned forward, kissing Raven again before pulling away and giving her a look.

“I think you’re supposed to tell the good news _before_ the kiss.”

Raven smiled.

“When have I ever done what I’m supposed to do? Do you want to hear the news or not?”

Anya huffed out a yes, and Raven grinned.

“Despite your charming persona with the Griffin family, we are getting Lexa her dog back.”

Anya’s jaw slipped open before shifting into a smile. 

“Are you serious?”

Raven nodded and shared her conversation with the two Griffin women, watching her girlfriend’s shoulders relax from the iron-tight position they’d been held in for half a month. She leaned in and kissed Raven once, twice, then a third, long kiss that had Raven breathing heavily. 

“Thank you, Rae.”

Anya helped pick her up from the floor and set her on the bed before returning to her lips. Neither of them had spent much time together doing anything but worrying or arguing or crying, and while it was understandable, it had taken its toll. 

Raven was a physical person, and several of the nights since Lexa had been found Anya had spent awake or sleeping on the couch. 

It had scared her. 

When Lexa went missing, Anya had literally gotten to the point of packing up all her things to leave her before she broke down and cried into Raven’s shoulder for hours. Raven had almost lost the last person in the world that she cared about because Anya dealt very poorly with pain. And even though she’d eventually gotten her to stay, Anya had been very different.

To have her kissing her like she was was a spark of hope that everything might just go back to normal, everything might fall back into place; all because of a single dog.

Anya’s lips moved from Raven’s mouth to her jaw, her hands sliding under her shirt and up the sides of Raven’s body, running over her ribs to the underside of her breasts. 

Raven almost cried, and the last thing she thought before losing herself to Anya’s mouth was how big of a donation she was going to give to Barkadia. 

~<€~<€~<€~<€

Lexa tried not to show how much she hated being dressed by other people. It wasn’t like she couldn’t do it herself. A little bit of pain was nothing to her. But the nurses and Anya had insisted, and now she was looking to the side as Molly and a nurse she didn’t recognized pulled a pair of sweatpants over her cast and up to her hips. 

They helped her sit up and slipped a loose, soft shirt over her head. There was a moment of panic when she couldn't see anything, but she managed to bite back the fear and the desire to jerk away until it had been pulled past her head. 

Molly slipped socks onto her feet and followed them with a pair of ugly slip-ons that Lexa would be throwing away the moment she got home. 

She was carefully lifted up and settled into a wheelchair; the pain was only sharp for a moment, but of course Anya saw it flash across her face. 

The past two weeks had made something clear to Anya, and it was when to step in and help; Lexa was glad she knew this wasn’t one of them. 

Anya waited quietly in the corner until Lexa was situated before thanking the nurses and moving behind Lexa. 

Lexa bit back her anger at being ferried, at not being capable of using her own legs. It wasn’t Anya’s fault, and taking out her personal insecurities on her sister is what had brought them to such an uncomfortable impasse. 

She loved Anya more than anything, and the way she continually snapped at her was unacceptable. 

Lexa closed her eyes as she was wheeled down brightly lit halls and pushed into an elevator. The movement was neausiating, and she had to force down the feeling more than once. 

She tried to ignore the fear that had begun trickling down her spine and around her shoulders and chest. She was going to be living with Anya and Raven until she could walk properly again, and she didn’t want to think about her inevitable attacks and the constant misunderstandings. She wanted things to be simple. 

Not for the first time, Lexa wished she could pick up her probably now-massive dog and hold him to her chest until she could breathe again. A bitterness she hated but couldn’t help reared its head and she took several deep breaths. 

“Hey Lex—“

The first response Lexa found leaving her lips wasn’t what she wanted. It was too sharp and too angry. 

“What?” Lexa could feel her sister tense, and she dropped her head. “I’m sorry, Anya.”

Anya cleared he throat. 

“It’s not, it’s okay. I just—“ 

The doors opened and she fell silent, and Lexa just wished she could be left in a room alone until she could be the same woman she was when she last saw them. 

Anya pushed her out to the front where Raven was waiting with their car. They were left with the terribly awkward situation of Lexa being lifted into the car, and she was fighting back her pride just to keep quiet about the ordeal. 

Both her and Anya were saved from the doomed interaction by Raven climbing out of the driver’s seat and standing stubbornly in front of Lexa. 

“How do you want to do this?”

Lexa looked away and clenched her jaw. 

“I can get up my--”

“Fat chance. Look, remember when I re-injured my leg about a year into dating Anya?”

Lexa knew where she was headed and tried to cut it off.

“It’s not the same--”

“Like hell it’s not. Now come on, I am owed this pleasure.”

Somehow, it helped; to look at Raven’s assistance as a returned annoyance instead of some form of lended hand. She even found herself huffing past a laugh as Raven reached under her and used surprisingly strong arms to move her into the front seat of the vehicle. Lexa got a glimpse of Anya’s lost expression and Raven’s encouraging smile and gentle touch to her arm before Anya climbed into the back seat. 

Lexa felt the urge to turn around and apologize again, but it would seem empty. Instead, she folded her hands in her lap and waited for Raven to climb in the driver’s seat.

Lexa tensed as Raven sat down, preparing herself for the accompanying slam that always seemed to follow her sister’s girlfriend through doors. Instead, there was a quiet thunk, and Lexa let her body slowly settle into the seat. 

Raven looked over at her and grinned. 

“Did Anya tell you the good news?”

Lexa glanced in the rearview mirror and saw a similar uncertain expression that she’d been wearing for days, but underneath it was a glimmer of hope. She looked at Lexa. 

“I hadn’t got a chance yet. Lexa, Raven was--”

Raven interrupted quickly and excitedly. 

“Anya found Banks! We’re going to pick him up whenever you’re ready.”

Lexa’s airway opened from the tight coil it had been in since her arrival back; she felt like she could breathe again, even if just a little bit. She let out a gasp of relief and met Anya’s eyes in the mirror. 

“Really?”

It was disgustingly full of hope, so raw and openly vulnerable in a way that Lexa despised. Anya seemed to hesitate a moment, her eyes flickering toward Raven once, before she swallowed and nodded. 

“Really. We can pick him up whenever you’re ready to get him.”

Lexa’s next words left her lips much too eager.

“Today?”

She tried to reign herself in, to get back under control, but she was seeing light at the end of a tunnel that she previously though endless. She wanted her dog, she wanted to have something look at her the same as before. 

Anya smiled, the first real one in days, and she nodded. 

“They said we could come get him as soon as we’d like.”

The phrasing hit her then, and Lexa’s excitement dropped. 

“Who said?”

Anya sombered.

“His current owners.”

Lexa’s stomach twisted back into tighter knots. She didn’t want to displace him. She hadn’t even considered the fact that he would have to leave people he probably grew attached to. She suddenly grew terrified that he wouldn’t even remember her. She clasped her hands together. 

“I can’t… I don’t want to take him away from… what if he— um..” 

She trailed off and Raven shook her head.

“No, hey, they insisted. They asked if the kid could visit him sometimes, but they want you to have him back.”

Lexa tried not to curl into herself. She desperately wanted her dog back, but the idea of stripping him from a loving family to be with her hollow form was impossible to stomach. She didn’t say anything for some time, and Anya cleared her throat.

“What if you just go see him? You can decide then?”

Lexa slowly nodded, resolving herself to a single goodbye to her dog before she left him in more capable hands. 

Raven smiles at her in the rear view and pulled out her phone to hand it to Anya.

“Can you tell them we’re on our way?”

Lexa watched, her body tensing as Anya sent a text most likely confirming to these stranger that some crippled woman was coming to look at her dog she hadn’t seen in so, so long. 

She didn’t relax at all for the rest of the trip either, both of her hands clenching and unclenching against her knees for the majority of it. 

They reached a residential neighborhood about thirty minutes from Lexa’s old apartment and she felt panic crawl up her chest. She closed her eyes and pressed herself into the seat. 

“Lex?”

Lexa shook her head.

“I can’t do this. He’s not going to remember me.”

Anya leaned forward in her seat. 

“Lex, open your eyes.”

Lexa took several deep breaths and slowly listened just as Raven pulled the car to a stop and motioned out the window, and Lexa turned instinctively. 

She let out a sob as soon as she saw him, his burly body playing with a younger girl, fifteen or sixteen, in the front yard of a quaint, little, sky blue house. He looked so big, so different, but she knew him and she still loved him just as much as she had before she left. 

He looked so happy and carefree, his tongue lolling around his open mouth as the girl swung a toy rope around above his head. After a few close swings, she tossed it away and he launched after it. 

She tried to slow down her breathing and stop her tears, but it was difficult, and she almost asked Raven to drive away. Almost. But then the girl was turning and looking toward the car, her eyes intelligent in a way that came from harsh experiences and growth. She looked older with them, and she smiled brightly at them and raised her hand to wave. 

Raven smiled at her and gave Lexa a questioning look. 

“You ready?”

Lexa shook her head, but she carefully pulled the handle on her door. 

Taking that as her answer, Anya and Raven climbed out of the car and brought around the wheelchair that Alexa already despised. She couldn’t wait to begin physical therapy and get back on her feet. 

She self-consciously tried to rearrange her butchered hair and found it useless. The door opened and Raven gave her a cheeky grin and waggled her eyebrows with her hands out. 

“Come on, Lex.”

Lexa grudgingly took her hands, not looking in the direction of the kid or her dog. She didn’t need to see any pity. 

Raven helped her into her wheelchair, and Lexa bit back her anger at the pain it caused despite Raven’s gentleness. 

Only when she was settled did Lexa look up again. To her shock and embarrassment, somebody else had joined them. 

There was a blonde woman standing on the porch, her body effortlessly held against the white railing there. She was beautiful, and she was looking directly at her. Lexa felt shame snap along her spine and she quickly looked away; back to her dog. 

He was looking at her too, his head tilted to the side as he watched her. The young girl stood at his side, her eyes flicking from Banks to Lexa rapidly. 

For a few moments, nothing happened. Lexa sat in her wheelchair in the grass with Anya and Raven on either side, and Banks stared at them like they were strangers. Lexa’s chest fractured with every second. 

And then a soft whine sounded, and Banks’ still body shifted and his paws twitched against the grass. His head dropped and he sniffed and then the whine sounded again, this time louder. 

Lexa felt the tears prickling at her eyes again, and she held her breath as Banks took a step toward her, his head tilting and his nose twitching. 

He took another two steps, the whine repeating itself until it was a constant sound leaving his throat as he approached. He stopped every few seconds to tilt his head and cry and smell them. 

When she was less than three yards away, the cries because louder and more frantic, and he abandoned his hesitance as he ran over to her, still crying and shaking as he reached her side and went to jump excitedly. 

She tensed for the inevitable impact, but he froze mid-air and dropped down, positively vibrating with energy but waiting for her command like he’d always done. 

She sobbed then, holding out her arms and taking the pain that came with an excited dog practically launching himself at her and licking her sore face, his paws pressing against her hurting legs. 

She didn’t care, because he was crying and she was crying and his fur was still so soft under her fingers. She grabbed fistfuls of it and held him close as he painted against her face and continued to whine. 

It took several minutes before he began calming down, and Lexa’s legs were aching fiercely and her body hurt, but she would never cut short this encounter. 

After some gentle ear scratches and a few more kisses, Banks pushed away and started circling them, barking softly and whining still, his nose prodding into Anya and Raven in turn. 

They both said their hellos, and Banks’ tail, which had not stopped wagging since his approach, was still going haywire. 

Lexa smiled and tried to rub the tears off of her face as he kept returning to her and sniffing her to check that she was there before going back to explore Raven and Anya. 

It was only then that Lexa looked back at the girl, and her happiness plummeted at the tears on her face as she watched them. Lexa swallowed back her disappointment at the knowledge that she couldn’t take this poor kid’s dog, and she tried to wheel herself forward toward her. She struggled enough that Raven helped push her the remaining distance. 

Banks followed and rubbed his head along Lexa’s hand before bumping into the girl. Then he nudged Lexa again. It was like head attempting to introduce them, and Lexa let herself smile. She held out her less bandaged arm toward the girl, who took it with her own smile. 

“I’m Lexa.”

The girl’s light blue eyes lit up and she took Lexa’s hand almost firmly. It was nice not to be babied. 

“Madison Griffin. But you can call me Madi.”

Lexa nodded.

“It’s nice to meet you Madi. I wanted to thank you for letting me see him again. But I don’t want you to worry, okay? I’m not going to take him from you.”

Madi’s eyes looked shocked at that. 

“But you have to.”

Lexa was taken aback, not expecting the certainty with which it was said. 

“I don’t want you to lose your dog.”

Madi shook her head, and though there was sadness, there was a deep conviction.

“The way I look at it, I was just keeping him company until you could come get him, you know?”

Lexa tried to stop herself from crying again. She didn’t know what to say to something so selfless, and so she just stared. 

Banks let out a low ‘woof’ and spun in a circle, seemingly ecstatic that he suddenly had all of his favorite people together. His sporadic excitement became more focused as another figure approached behind Madi, the same beautiful woman from the porch. 

Up closer, as her face came into view, she was even more breathtaking; her eyes were a blue that shamed the sky, and her expression flickered between curious and concerned as she came to a stop. 

She gave Lexa a smile to buckle knees and held out her hand.

“Hello, Lexa.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what to thought!

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so there’s that. Just a little set-up for a story idk if I should attempt to finish.
> 
> Criticism, comments, likes, dislikes... leave them in the comments haha.


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